She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
