i permit you to call me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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