One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
