I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
