I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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