watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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