I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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