What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
