when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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