I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
