I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
