shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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