I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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