I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
