So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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