Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
