I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
