Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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