I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
