One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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