I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
