so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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