did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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