My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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