Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So squirting runs in the family.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
