She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
