Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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