I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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