Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
