He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
