I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
