Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
