yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
