My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm at about main and main street
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
