just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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