There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
