can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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