then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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