I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
