my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
