So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
