Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
