Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
