You made me cry and you don't even care
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
