1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
