Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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