I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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