I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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