I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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