Heybabeimwearingurpanties
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
