Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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